Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
