Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
