The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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