Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Operation Purity has been aborted
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The adults are the big ones right?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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