I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
