Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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