dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
