My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
