Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
