I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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