I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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