i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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