I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
