They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
