Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
