hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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