if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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