P.S. I can't hear my feet
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
