he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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