im six kinds of drunk right now
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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