Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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