Non-Jews are for practice
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
