she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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