I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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