omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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