I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
