I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
