My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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