he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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