I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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