My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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