You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
