just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The best revenge is premature balding
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Randomize
