I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
