Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
