The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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