My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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