What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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