Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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