Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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