there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
