When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
