i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My balls are so social today.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
