Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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