after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
