dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
