What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
