If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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