I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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