One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
