there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
